Celebrity Authors

        There’s a great scene in the movie, ‘Goodfellas’, where the gangster played by Joe Pesci confronts Ray Liotta’s character. “Am I funny?” he says to a packed bar. “Do I amuse you? Am I a clown? Do I make you laugh?”. I was reminded of this scene when considering the recent furor over famous celebrities publishing children’s books. Madonna, Keira Knightley, and David Walliams are three of the most high-profile celebs-come-authors. But there are others, such as Tom Fletcher from McFly (wasn’t their music bad enough?), Lil Nas, Seth Meyers, and Reese Witherspoon. Given the lucrative nature of the market it’s likely that this list will continue to grow, piling further pressure on those authors unlucky enough not to have had a career in showbiz before they picked up their pen and started to write.

        Of course, any intervention that boosts children’s literacy is to be welcomed. In this regard, it doesn’t matter who the author is. And if children discover a love of reading via Madonna’s latest tome, then that can only be a good thing. It’s the non-celebrity authors that I feel sorry for, never mind those who are unable to bag an agent and get their stories into print. It’s the idea that a writer should already be famous that I find most worrying. It sets a dangerous precedent. How many writers are going to be rejected by agents and publishers because they haven’t had a pre-career in comedy or music? Writers should be feted not because of how many albums they sold in the past but because their writing is of the highest order. It risks turning authors into the sort of clowns that Joe Pesci’s character was afraid of. Want to get published? Then first you must enter the Big Brother household or the Celebrity Jungle and make a fool of yourself in front of the nation in order to snag a publishing deal and a chance of a livelihood. For how else are writers supposed to compete with David Walliams and his gang if not by imitating them to some degree? Goodness knows we are already half-way down that road with authors already expected to be able to market themselves like the advertising gurus they so obviously aren’t.

       Ultimately, this phenomenon is a comment on our style-over-substance obsessed society where true genius should have model-good looks and be dressed in a sharp Armani suit. Books reflect culture and culture reflects books. If one is harmed, then the other will also be damaged. What would the English literary canon (and indeed the English language) look like if Dickens had been pushed aside by a fading actor still craving the big time? Or if Shakespeare had been rejected in favour of some aging minstrel? This bias towards image over ability should be shunned at all costs. Our very language and culture are at stake. Of course, there are some in the industry who would claim that they are only servicing the needs of the public, and that it is up to the reader to decide what they want to read. But to take a line from South Park, the choice is between a douche and a turd sandwich. The readers are being force-fed this stuff and aren’t allowed to have a proper choice in the matter. They can only read what books are on offer and in this regard the non-celebrity author is an endangered species. 

       Can we turn back the tide? I’m not sure. The market is already saturated with celebrity children’s books and it’s a trend that’s likely to continue thanks to the unholy alliance between agents, publishers, and the media. This will become more pronounced in the future with AI entering the scene, if it hasn’t already. How long before celebrities put their names to AI written books in the same way that George Foreman put his name to a grill? It's all about the market now baby, and we are stuck in its feedback loop. I cling to the notion that this is just a problem for children’s books and that thankfully celebrities have left novels for older children and adults alone. But now I’m not so sure. Already I can foresee a legion of ghost writers and chat bots being pressed into service to line a faded celebrity’s ego. What does that mean for the rest of us?

          Extinction. If we are not careful. If celebrity authors are the malady, then what is the cure?

          Truth.

          Originality.

          Purpose.

Voice.

All the things that we knew growing up were the yard sticks of good writing. We must dare to write something out of the bubble and that is NOT on the Agent’s wish list. Avoid anything formulaic. Fame is not the end game, language and culture are. No more rehashed copies of whatever hit is currently sitting at the top of the bestseller charts – as if anything was ever achieved with pastiche. We must market ourselves in ways that are true to the spirit of literature: writing blogs, recording podcasts, and making videos etc. Shun all comedy and burlesque. We are not clowns, and we will gain no one’s respect by aping celebrity writers and seeking the Big Time. We are all better wordsmiths than the celebrities – we have spent a lifetime reading and writing after all – but we must prove it in every book that we write.

In the movie, ‘An Officer and a Gentleman’, Louis Gossett Jnr’s rough tough sergeant major demands of Richard Gere: “Why don’t you quit?” Gere tearfully replies, “Because I have nowhere else to go.” So, it is with normal unfamous authors like you and I. We have to stay the course because it is our passion. And like Gere we must tough it out and fight not just for our own dreams, but for those authors who will follow.